I'll start! Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area. "That's my sponge", says his mother. "Oh, ok", said Johnny. A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into the hospital for an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area shaved. Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where's your sponge?" His mother replied, "It's ok, I've just lost it. It will turn up somewhere." A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge." "Where?" says his mother, wondering where Johnny could have found it. "It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."
Added (2009-06-04, 6:53 Pm)
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HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of the sudden, she made a noise and lit the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of it's insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats...they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
Added (2009-06-04, 6:55 Pm)
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MATH PROBLEMS
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. " Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Added (2009-06-04, 6:55 Pm)
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CLASS TIME!
Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher told the class that they were going to do a thinking activity. "I'm going to reach into this bag and describe an object to you and then you let me know what you think it is. Okay class, here we go." She reaches into the bag and says, "I am holding something that is round, hard, and red." Sally raises her hand and says, "It's an apple." "Very good," the teacher says. "I like the way you're thinking. Now I am holding something round, hard, and yellow." Georgie raises his hand and says, "It's a lemon." "Very good," the teacher says. " I like the way you're thinking." At this point Johnny jumps up and yells, "Okay teacher. I have my hand in my pocket and I'm holding something round, hard, and with a head on it!" "You're disgusting!" the teacher says. "Go to the office!" Whereupon Johnny pulls out a quarter and says, "You're wrong, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Added (2009-06-04, 6:56 Pm)
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WHICH BODY PARTS GO TO HEAVEN FIRST?
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when his teacher asked which part of the body went to heaven first. One girl raised her hand and said " I think your mind goes to heaven first, because you need a mind to believe in God." As the teacher praises the girl, a boy raises his hand and says "I think your heart goes first because God is all about love." The teacher is pleased with all the answers that she is getting, when little Johnny raises his hand. With some hesitation, she asks him what he thinks goes to heaven first? "Your feet" Johnny answered. "Why's that?" Well, last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom and my mom had her feet up in the air yelling, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Added (2009-06-04, 6:57 Pm)
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I NEED TO PISS!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then: "You're an eight - but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!
Added (2009-06-04, 6:58 Pm)
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SENTENCE WITH THE WORD CONTAGIOUS?
Teacher: "Suzie. Can you think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?" Suzie: "Well, when I get sick, Daddy takes me to the doctor to get better because I was contagious." Teacher: "Very good! Johnny, can you give me a sentence with 'contagious' in it?" Johnny: "Well, my Daddy and I were watching Mommy shovel the driveway when a big snow plow drove by and piled snow back on the driveway and Daddy said 'Whooo-it's a gonna take dat cont ages to shovel all dat snow.'"
Added (2009-06-04, 6:59 Pm)
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HARASSMENT SENTENCE
Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence. Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.
Added (2009-06-04, 7:00 Pm)
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WHO'S JIMMY?
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old. He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something." Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the Mother fucker back up." Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home." When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch." Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
